FORGIVE. Because YOU deserve peace

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”- Marianne Williamson

Annie sat in the dark as she was yet to retire for the night. She kept brooding over the fight she had with her Mom, that evening and was practically, in a state of shock. “Are mothers really like that?” she struggled to understand. It had become routine - A slew of hurtful remarks from Mom on all issues major or minor, followed by Annie’s bitter back- answering. Annie was clueless as to why she’s stuck in a toxic rut with her mother, what’s the reason behind it and how to put an end to this unhealthful relationship. She loved her but could no longer let Mom step over her boundaries of respect. And the fights - they kept her in a constant state of resentment. With her mind and heart always geared up for a “fight”, she soon started receiving mistreatment from her female boss and experiencing bitter fights with her as well. Unable to cope with the stress, she quit her high paying job as an investment banker in which she had been outperforming since the past 3 years, thinking she needs to find her “calling”. However, what she really needed was a harmonious relationship with her mother.

Annie struggled to forgive Mom and kept stewing over her insulting remarks, mean expressions and insensitive gestures.  

Esther was fed up tolerating the insensitive behavior of her boyfriend. She found it an uphill task to share her feelings with him because that almost always ended in a huge fight. When Esther kept her feelings to herself, her boyfriend would push her to open her heart and tell about what’s bothering her. As soon as Esther expressed her hurt, he’d get offended and take matters in a different direction altogether. The matters would escalate to such levels that Esther would start feeling guilty about being hurt in the first place. The stress was taking a toll on her as she kept wondering how to deal with the situation. So, she resorted to hiding her feelings and pretending everything was okay in front of her boyfriend. But, the pain within started eating her up. She’d frequently sob for no reason and would binge on chocolate ice-cream and other carb-loaded foods mindlessly, to soothe her depression. That took a toll on her work as a grief counselor, since she was always so full of grief herself to lend a listening ear to her clients.

Esther struggled with her willingness to forgive herself for letting someone mistreat her to such lengths. Needless to say, the situation never changed.

Bennett was just not willing to forgive his verbally abusive brother who although had taken care of him after his parents’ demise, had also run him down when he was financially dependent on him. Bennett’s stubborn anger was creating trust issues in his friendships with other people. He almost always pushed help away from him finding it hard to take anyone’s “favor”. He seldom realized that it was the Universe and not any person, which was reaching out to him to make his life better. That ofcourse, left him feeling “out in the cold”, down and out and lonely.

We all, at some point, have been hurt by someone, and have struggled with our willingness to forgive. It's even harder accepting an apology we never received, forgiving someone who's not sorry. Resentments convincingly bottle up the hurt and anger, creating an illusion that this is the way to protect ourselves. And most of the times, we give into resentments to avoid getting hurt again. It's a strange trap.

Going by what I have learnt so far, holding on to the past is the biggest block against forgiveness. So, when we completely give up hopes that the past could have been any better than it actually was and understand whatever happened had its own purpose, forgiveness flows in naturally. I have found it quite helpful to just accept that people behave the way they do for a reason, and that reason may not be obvious immediately. That opens the gates for peace to set in; at times very slowly, but surely. Worth a try, to say the least.

Let me clarify that I am neither discounting the importance of self-care nor condoning the hurtful or insensitive behavior of others. And neither should you, me or anyone else put up with anything that violates our personal code of respect. I am also not in favor of hanging out with the same people who repeatedly mistreat you and seldom want to admit it. But, holding grief or anger within your heart, will do nothing but dampen your own light, which you can otherwise shine to light up the planet in different ways – which ultimately is the purpose of our lives.

Have we really forgiven? 

Many a times, we get confused if we have actually forgiven someone. We say we have forgiven but not forgotten. Some experts say true forgiveness means you completely forget about the wrongdoing. However, I disagree. 

I believe remembering the lesson which the person or situation taught you, is imperative. As for forgiveness, if you feel no pain while recalling the experience or the person, you have truly forgiven. Because, we're all humans and can tend to slip into the toxic patterns again, if we do not remember the lessons we had learnt earlier. So, wiping off the bad experience from your memory completely, is not what I do.

When you think about that person or situation that hurt you and you’re still at peace, if you’re able to recall the happy times and the stressful times begin to grow fainter in your memory, you’re making progress. If you’re able to give them a hug in your mind, talk joyfully and truly believe that nothing ever went wrong, bravo...you’re heading close! If you see or meet them anywhere and are able to wish them health, luck, success, happiness and peace from the core of your heart, you’ve actually won the battle. Kudos to you!!

Who are you - Victim or Victor?

“ Circumstances do not define you, they reveal you.”

I love this quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer whose works I absolutely follow. Wish he was alive to spread more light into the world.

Yes, you get to decide – that’s the beauty of it!

Decide that no experience, person or situation can eclipse anything which is lying within you that can make this world a better place – be it your ability to make people laugh, care for them, cook for them and cater to their taste buds, entertain them, educate them, enlighten them, listen to them, make them more organized and disciplined, bring out their creative side, inspire and motivate them, heal them, help them in financial management, help them in leading healthier lives or anything else. 

Instead, you will let the world see your best. And that includes being loving, kind and compassionate as well.

No person or situation has the power to change you for the worse. You have that power. Because, the Power that created you has blessed you with the power to create ANYTHING. When you let a bad experience change who you are, you’re unknowingly giving your power away.

Forgive. Set yourself free. Nothing, absolutely nothing's worth you or your precious life. Do not let even one more minute of it go in vain. Irrespective of what happens, row the boat of life gently :) :)