Make no room for freeloaders

During her regular coffee breaks, Mary hated going to the cafeteria alone. She loved whenever any office colleague offered to accompany her for coffee. But, she was too sensitive to ask anyone to accompany her fearing how hurt she would be if they refused. So, she usually waited for the entire team to go and would then follow them. Soon she grew close to them. She also often graciously paid for their coffees as well, considering them to be her friends.

This went on for a couple of months. However, none of the colleagues ever offered to pay the bill; not even for Mary alone. So, Mary hesitantly asked them once to pay her back the money they owed her for the coffees.

 Strangely, they started avoiding Mary’s company since that day.  Gradually, matters turned from bad to worse. So much so that they even stopped asking her to come with them for lunch, coffee breaks or any other outings.

Soon the resentment in her grew worse.  She started growing sullen, posting passive aggressive messages on her social media page, cooking up excuses not to go to the coffee shop and often avoiding speaking to her colleagues.

Despite observing this unfair behavior with her for quite a while, Mary seldom expressed her resentment. She decided to keep mum fearing she might upset her colleagues.

Moreover, since she always thought of herself as the generous one, how could she possibly defy her own standards? 

Mary never realized she had opened a gateway for freeloaders in her life.Her frustration reached at pandemic levels since she was simply too scared to put her foot down and be assertive. What’s worse was that she was quietly expecting her colleagues to notice her resentment and ask about the same and also return the money they owed her. Needless to say that never happened, intensifying her pain only deeper .

Mary’s case is a classic example of encouraging freeloaders in life and getting stuck in a toxic rut with them.

All these years, I have been an ardent believer and practitioner of generosity with the people around me.  Being in a position to help someone, according to me, is one of the biggest gifts of the Almighty to us.  Feeling compassion and a need to help others is also, nothing but a validation of the God-energy within us.

While generosity forms an integral part of being human, trouble starts brewing when you start becoming generous to a fault. This not only gobbles up the share of help you deserve, but also encourages freeloaders around you.

Types of freeloaders

Active

These are the loud ones. They always boast about being a “clear hearted” person. They let their needs be known directly and are masters at getting their own ways. While this trait does help in keeping things simple, there are people who conveniently use this characteristic to get what they want. What’s surprising is that they also use this same trait to say no to you as and when they feel like. They would never let their own priorities suffer though will expect and even push you to drop your own and be ready at their whimsical calls.

Passive

These are the “seemingly” harmless ones. You could never suspect them to cause you or anyone any harm. But they are the slow and silent drainers. These are also the ones who are champions at persistently eating up your peace of mind, by making tiny but numerous demands on your time, money, belongings and emotions.

Physical

Physical freeloaders are mostly interested in how much and how long can you help them physically. This includes cooking or carrying their meals, fetching them tea or coffee every time you get your own, donating your time to help them meet their priorities, paying for them even when they seem to forget repaying you, helping them dig out information from the internet, not to mention lending your belongings including money for their use, as often as they’d like.

Emotional

Such people are not necessarily interested in getting physical help from you but are great emotional suckers. They always have a story to tell – mostly about feeling victimized. Ofcourse they have other things to talk about like their latest crush, spouse, children, problems at work, monetary issues, self-battles, unfulfilled dreams or health problems. Occasionally, they also like to indulge in gossip, as a means to alleviate their feelings of jealousy or inferiority.

Where do you find freeloaders

Freeloaders can be found anywhere and can be anyone – immediate and extended family members, friends, classmates, roommates, colleagues, people you meet while travelling, neighbours or just about any stranger.

Recognizing freeloaders

I would recommend spotting freeloaders early to avoid getting trapped in messy situations. Going by my personal experience, people who show below mentioned signs almost always turn out to be freeloaders.

• ·         Saying yes to every help that’s offered.
• ·         A lack of self-respect masked as simplicity. Such people do not seem to mind anything done or said to them.
• ·         Conveniently using your belongings or taking favors from you, even when the two of you are not on healthy talking terms.
• ·         Showing false care for you, while pulling away when you actually ask them for help.
• ·         Being extra nice to you as long as you keep getting used by them. Immediately turning frigid, rude, mean or aggressive the moment you try to draw a line.
• ·         Having a set of people who’re just like them and who support them in their attempt to isolate you, when you’ve turned them down a favor.
• ·         Pretending not to understand when and why you’re upset.
• ·         Trying to abuse your sensitive and compassionate nature
• Endlessly narrating their own problems and instantly getting "busy" or "need to go" the moment you start to tell your own.

I have had many encounters with freeloaders in my life. Besides taking undue advantage of me as much as and as long as they could, they also showed me disregard in both active as well as passive ways.

“Enough, I will have to find a means to deal with this kind of behavior,” I eventually told myself.

I genuinely believe that people or situations which try to drain you must be kept at bay at all costs. Having learnt my lessons the hard way, I have mustered up enough courage to deal with them now and hold my head high in the midst of any challenges. Challenges are really my opportunities to express personal power, I believe.

Here are the tips which I practice to keep freeloaders at a distance.

Avoid giving out open-ended invitations

This does not just stop at inviting for lunch, dinner or a night stay. Stay away from giving open ended invitations for anything when you have noticed freeloaders around you. This could include using your clothes, vehicles and other belongings; volunteering to do an extra piece of work at the cost of your own; donating your time to help or sometimes to just give a sympathetic ear to the seemingly troubled ones.

Put your foot down, albeit gently

So, you have been used by a freeloader frequently which is making you grow silently resentful. Choosing to grumble within while trying to maintain your “good person” tag will not take you anywhere. Learn to say no or refuse to do things when your own priorities are getting suffered.

Do not cook-up excuses

Learn to be up-front.  This does not necessarily mean that you have to become aggressive. If anything, aggressiveness makes matters worse.  When you’re not in a position to help someone or feel milked by the freeloader too many times, assert this point clearly and directly. Cooking up excuses like “I’m not well,” I’m not hungry,” etc when what you really want do is to avoid the person’s company, isn’t a healthy way to deal with the problem. Moreover, this kind of solution is not permanent either.

Mind your body language

When making your point clear to a freeloader, pay attention to your body language. Look them in the eye, do not shy away from making eye contact. Do not unnecessarily bat eyelids. This shows you’re either guilty of hurting them, not sure about what you’re saying or are concocting stories about why you cannot help them. When standing, stand tall and breathe often. If sitting, don’t slouch and try sitting up straight without leaning against anything. Maintain a smile on your face which indicates that you’re composed and have nothing personal against them.

Avoid hang-outs

It’s much easier to say no to freeloaders when you maintain a healthy distance from them. When you meet and interact every day frequently hanging out with such people, refusing favors becomes the hardest task ever.  Lovingly assert yourself and tell them you don’t have free time. If the relationship with the person is close, tell him or her directly.

Accept that someone will get upset

No matter how hard you try, someone or the other will get upset when you refuse to help them. You can please everybody once; you can please just one person always. But let’s face it, you cannot please everyone at all times. The people who truly love you and genuinely care for you would continue doing so even when you say no to them for anything. However, freeloaders would be the first to sulk, turn bitter or create other forms of drama, once you draw the knot with them.

No guilt trips please

Getting buried in pangs of guilt is a common phenomenon you undergo, once you pull your hands away from helping someone. While any tendencies to act selfishly must be guarded against, self-care is not only important, it is non-negotiable. Guilt drains out your positive energy generating a feeling of being worthless or undeservingness – you start punishing yourself unknowingly for things you aren’t actually responsible for.

Letting others grow is your moral duty

We have been gifted this life for fulfilling an important purpose allotted to us by the Almighty Creator. An integral part of that purpose is growth. While it is morally imperative for you to focus on your growth, equally important is others’ growth. No, you’re not responsible for anybody’s growth as every person has the power to make his or her own choices in life. What I mean is allow room for the person to grow. And freeloaders in this case, are in dire need to grow. When they’re refused help repeatedly, it’s the Universe signaling that it’s high time they wake up and smell the coffee – learn to untangle their own knots and take responsibility for meeting every need of theirs.