Yes you’re important, but so am I

It’s 1 PM and Debbie has checked her mobile phone a dozen times, sitting in supplication for a reply. From Amy, her roommate and close friend.

Amy had promised to have lunch with her that afternoon but for some reason did not make it. The problem was that Amy had failed to live up to her promise the 20^th time and had grown accustomed of flaking in such manner.

Debbie is always the one chasing her and following up for everything. She also happens to be the first to apologize and initiate reconciliation, after a fight or heated discussion.

Deep within, she knows Amy has willfully ignored their lunch date together and is with her boyfriend instead, at the time. Not informing Debbie about any change in the programme, she has taken her docile friend for granted, yet again.

Despite knowing everything, Debbie cannot muster up the courage to call her friend and ask for an update. She is too afraid to upset or infuriate her friend and spoil their 6-year old friendship.

The day progresses almost towards the end and Debbie starts raging by this time. Feelings of anger, betrayal, self-pity and humiliation are churning within. She wants to be mad at Amy and not speak to her ever again. But, as soon as a casual “Love you Debs,” falls onto her ears from Amy’s end, coupled with a box of her favorite chocolates, she starts growing weak in her knees.

Moreover, the moment Amy steps into the house, she starts complaining how she’ s had a long and nasty day and how unfair everyone was to her. And, how much she wanted to be with Debbie.

Debbie knows Amy is lying and does not mean a single word of the explanation she gives. Still, she feels powerless to speak up.

“How can I ever unveil my feelings? I don’t know if I should say it or not. After all, she does care for me. I know she wasn’t caught up in anything unavoidable and didn’t have a hard day, but was with her boyfriend instead. However, I somehow feel trapped and can’t utter a word on it. She might get hurt. What’s the use of making a mountain out of a molehill? And, I would never be able to make my point anyway since she is so good at convincing and also getting angry!” talks Debbie to herself.

Amy isn’t a mean person. But, just because she has someone more caring and understanding near her, she gets tempted to give into occasional thoughtlessness (frequent selfishness).

Be it friendships, romantic relationships or familial ties, this unbalanced scenario of unrequited love/affection/care/earnestness exists in many kinds of relationships.

Contemplating the issue

But why is it so? Isn’t the one who cares more in the relationship should be treated fairly if not put on a pedestal, to say the least?

Mostly, it is the other way round. The person who gives, cares and understands more, is usually the one who suffers the most. The ones who are less-giving usually care less and are never bothered to realize the suffering they inflict. They never compromise with what they want and expect their counterpart to bend to their ways.

In Debbie’s case, her caring and understanding nature did help maintain peace at home. But the friendship was mostly one-sided. Amy never bothered to find out how Debbie feels about the way she treated her.

This problem occurs when an individual does not give importance on being treated equally, thereby ending up being a victim of such toxic situations. It could be a subconscious desire for being peaceful, accepted, loved or may be a gnawing feeling that one does not deserve to be respected.

Or worse, an addiction to a “poor me,” or victim mentality.

The irony is that the only one to blame for this kind of imbalance is the compassionate, caregiver, which Debbie was in this case.

What goes wrong

Isn’t love selfless and unconditional? Isn’t it forgiving? Surely it is.

But, when one starts showering others with so much love and attention to the point of turning resentful within, it is then when the trouble starts brewing. Then the person is not actually giving love unconditionally. The brewing resentment is the proof that deep within, the person is expecting love, care or concern in reciprocation.

The block

Prioritizing yourself, loving and caring for yourself is as important for you as a pinch of salt for the body.

Why is it then that we fail to

to this essential function?

Well, some fear of ruining their reputation of being the “ideal” mother, father, daughter-in law, sister, co-worker or whatever the case may be. The others vent out their negative feelings simply by punishing themselves, subconsciously believing that they deserve to be treated like this.

Is there a way out?

The power ultimately, lies in our own hands. When we ourselves choose to continue accepting crap from outside, the Universe can’t help but send crappier situations and people our way, that would make us feel the crappiest.

Nobody can dare to treat us disrespectfully should we never allow them. And, in order to command respect from others, it is important to treat our own selves with respect.

Many a times, we know we are putting up with lies, abuse, disrespect, violence or any other toxic behavior. Still, due to fears known best to ourselves, we choose to exist in those situations.

Another common pattern through which we unknowingly limit ourselves is by saying or believing the following : –

 “ I am ready to forgive him, I cannot live without him,” “What will happen to her without me?” “How can I end the relationship when I made a lifelong commitment?

“I just cannot take the day off or resign since my team depends on me,” “I am not lucky enough to follow my dreams since I don’t have financial security,”  “I know he’s not good at taking care of himself. I must take care of him, my needs can wait,” “ He’s not good at adopting to a new environment, so I only will have to be the flexible one.”

These are only some of the excuses we give our minds in order to stick to old situations.

My take

You can only give so much to others. Especially, when your own vessel is gradually getting emptied. And, as the world knows, one cannot provide food to others if our own vessel is empty, right? To love others, you have to love yourself sufficiently first.

·      

     In order to live happier, choose better.

Do not limit yourselves. When our Creator never placed any limitations upon us while he created us and made us so brilliantly powerful, then why do we give up our power and allow external circumstances to control us?

Honestly, speaking up for oneself and taking a stand does stir up temporary turmoil. However, with time and patience, it gets pacified. And on any given day, that temporary turmoil is a lot better than the inner turmoil tormenting us every single moment, when we are not true to ourselves

·    You are your own baby

Treating ourselves with care and love is the first step towards fulfilling our purposes.

Healthy relationships are crucial for us to remain peaceful. And, it begins with having a healthy relationship with our own selves. Feed yourself good, exercise well and look after yourself in general.Don't take things so seriously and personally in life. Your relationships, jobs, financial status, material comforts, health and other issues are not the be-all and end-all of your life.

There’s more to you. Much more than you could ever expect or imagine.

There was so much before we were born, when we were at home with God and there is so much beyond this lifetime. Everything we deal with is all temporary. And the only way to progress is with LOVE.

Therefore, nourishing YOURSELF with love is non-negotiable.

Don’t worry about every frowned forehead and raised eyebrow.Don’t bother about the opinions of others at the cost of your own peace of mind.Don’t allow others to control your personal space and time simply because you do not want to hurt them or risk losing your reputation.

And for heaven’s sake, stop smothering people by mothering them to the excess. It is a part of your life purpose to allow other people to grow as well, no matter what the situation appears to be.

You can never really be lonely, miserable or endangered lest you choose to be so. You can never fail.  It’s all an illusion called FEAR that misguides us. Just focus on being authentic in life, both to yourself and to others. Sometimes, this is the greatest way in which you could help others.

The weight of the world is not on your shoulders. So relax. Strike a healthy balance.

And no matter what situation you are currently in, never avoid taking responsibility for it.

Never place the blame on external circumstances, because in truth, only you, your thoughts (both conscious and sub-conscious), your words,  intentions and actions give you the results which you are getting at the moment.

And this is also why you have all the power to change your life.

When you’re always keeping yourself aside thinking your needs could wait, you are unintentionally giving out a signal to the Universe, “ I am unimportant. I deserve mediocrity.”

Own your power and use it in loving ways.

No one’s asking you to be an instrument of violence or hatred. Just be an instrument of love and peace. And choosing to love yourself and restoring your own peace is the key to it.

And remember, everyone is responsible for their own lives. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings and thoughts.

So, the next time you find yourself getting caught up in a toxic drama or a difficult situation, speak out loud – Yes, you’re important but so am I.